The Last Unicorn!

I had never seen The Last Unicorn.  No one until Quinn had ever shown it to me.  I had no idea I was missing out on such trippy animation.  And music by America?!  That booby tree lady!  Jeff Bridges, Mia Farrow, Alan Arkin, Angela Lansbury, and Christopher Lee.  Send me to that cast party!  Thanks for that Quinn!  Well now I just finished watching the Care Bear movie, which is a personal fave.  But!  The song at the end sounds suspiciously like some John Mayer horse shit, which would be impossible.  Movie made in 85 he born in 80-shit vortex.  He stole his sound from the Care Bears: The Movie theme song.  I'm spreading the word.  The jig is up John Mayer!  I'm reporting you!

Happy to be happy

I am thankful for talking shit about food,  I get to eat.

Get Fucked! In Castle Hills!

Apple Annies, dinner served at 4:30.   Lucky Burger, open for years without ever selling any burgers.  Oblate Cafe, horse shit.  Zorbas,  all the cash is probably from spanikopita.  or dolmas.  There soon will be a stand-off in Castle Hills.  Ice pics, spatulas, salad tossers.  someone will die.  Garibaldi's will be destroyed in a week or two when a barrage of rocks with terrifying notes rubberbanded to them,  thrown by me!  We do have Pam though!  Thanks to Jesus for Pam and her slave Mr. Pam.  Happy Holiday dining from Castle Hills!

rissoni's

While most might find that scallop dish served on on the shell tasty...  i thought it tasted like overpriced, shitty scallop.
Some are far more forgiving than I.
That was the best of a series of greasy crap.
This being a new restaurant, I appreciate a recommendation.
My mom had a delicious Monk Fish, my Dad had an ok Taglieatielle.
I had some bullshit seabass!
Cream sauce that I would drown an enemy in.
No salt.
all bullshit......

sandwich that i like

There is a sandwich that i like.

Two pieces of wheat bread.

I spread each one with lots of mayo, the real stuff.
Coat each slice with pickle relish, as thin or thick as you like.
Top each side with some cheddar cheese.
Then put your favorite Turkey, in the middle!
For a little kick, add some Sriracha sauce to the mayo.
This never gets old!


NOW THAT'S WHAT I CALL A RECIPE!

ghostland horse hockey

reminder to self:  watch out for violent 36 year old sluts who want to fuck asians on space heaters.  you will want to go home.

the news

lots of the local news top stories have involved high school coaches speaking to their players in a highly inapproptiate manner.
I say, those kids should fight back.  It is not their fault that the 1989 quarterback of his football team can't get his dick hard, got drunk, pissed the seat and lost his keys.  He got fat, ran his wife and family away,  and now sits at home watching Two and a Half Men!

CAREFUL WHEN PASSING.

BAGEL TALK

when pizza's on a bagel, you can have pizza any time! 
I like to insert other, funnier nouns into the pizza slot.
Wiener, pad thai, gelato, egg drop soup, wiener(pl.)
the possibilities are endless, one could make a night of it!
YOU ARE WELCOME!

WEEDS1!

Now Nancy is a constantly dressed like a 16 year old girl who only has enough money to shop at wet seal!  , WHO GIVES A SHIT!  Keep watching, I dare you.  You will end up without Elizabeth Perkins.  Good luck with that mess!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Only if you like Appiteasers.

La Forgata

La Fogata La Forgota!

My friends and I often refer to La Fogata as La Forgota. Why? The margaritas are delish you can't have just one, the setting is so lovely you won't want to leave, the food is great, overeating is very likely. The staff is always friendly and enthusiastic. The setting is sooo San Antonio. If you ever have visitors from out of town, mark this #1 on places to take them. There are usually tiny fountains running, throw out of towner fucks into them. Then tell them the restaurant is closed. Bonus: friendly mariachis for hire on site!

Just so you know!!!

Silo 1604

Last night (thursday) I was craving a great bite for little buck. My friend suggested Silo. I immediately looked at him with crazy eyes. Silo. Cheap. No way. Little did I know, Silo offers a daily happy hour that lasts until 9! This is not your normal happy hour. Buttsex is required. All appetizers are 5 dollars! Chicken fried oysters with diced apple and bacon on top of sauteed spinach covered with a bearnaise sauce. Seared rare ahi tuna with jalapenos, seaweed salad, and red pickled cabbage. Best crab cake in town ((the size of my fist (for butt plugging)). Drink specials galore. You can't find food this good for this price in such a hip atmosphere. Dress up as much as you want. Dress like a hungry hippy if you choose. Or dress like a fucking loon looking for food on a budget.

Roaring Fork Me!

I LIKE ROARING FORK MORE THAN MY CAT!!!!!!!!
by amysanantonio (14 reviews)
October 13, 2010 - Likes it

Oh Roaring Fork you Texas Two-Stepped your way into my heart, and my tummy! The Texas Two-Step is the joy of my life and is only available on their lunch menu. A "choose your own adventure" if you will. BLT Wedge salad or Ceasar or Mixed Green or Tortilla Soup, and some other soup I think. Entrees: Grilled Salmon, Sauteed Trout, or Roasted Chicken. Choice of two sides! Is your dick hard yet? Green Chile Mac and Cheese(way better than any of the crap they serve at your restaurant Bruce Auden!!!!!!!) Cheese Grits....mah, my fav the Corn, sauteed Spinach, and mashed potatoes. You can take your pick, but some of you might be retards, so allow me to just tell you what to do. Get the BLT salad or the Mixed Green, follow that up with the Salmon, pair it with the corn and spinach, get your fat girl friend to order the Mac n Cheese, and like her, you'll be doing the truffle shuffle in your cozy u-shaped booth in no time! You're welcome! Oh, and by the way dipshits, it is only 13 bucks! More money for your suckfest!The ambiance is lovely, big cozy booths, lots of room and real dark. You won't even notice how ugly that crater faced bitch is across the restaurant. The staff has always been consistently good and boasts one of the nicest patios in town.Make sure and tip the bartender, Patrick Bateman. Unless you'd rather be chased by your blood spattered bartender in his brand new sneakers brandishing a chainsaw.Parking is ample.

Art by Chad

Everyone needs one of these in front of their house!  A safe home is a happy home.

Wildfish Seafood Grille If you want to be seen....as being lame.
- Edit review February 04, 2010 - Doesn't like it

I first loved wildfish. the crabcakes, the bisque, and my personal fave the steamed sea bass. These days, overcrowded and over-perfumed crowds of drunks fill the space. It is loud, it is over-rated and you are likely to find a stray cubic zirconia that has flown off of an old man's earring into your 20 dollar app. When that happens, push them directly into the fountain.

Pam's Patio Kitchen torta valencia!
- Edit review February 04, 2010 - Likes it

I have been going to Pam's for several years now. Not much has changed on the lunch menu, maybe the prices. What hasn't change are their amazing sandwiches, the TORTA VALENCIA, especially. Fresh bun, guac, cheese, red onion, beef fajita, and other delicious such and such. Most everything comes with freshly made chips and mango salsa. I most recently overheard that they have a lot of gluten-free items on the menu, which is a great tasty alternative for those who deal with the gluten-devil. If you happen to pop in when THE pam is working, she is a very jovial character, always a plus. The strawberry lemonade seems to be gaining it's own celebrity status, quite tasty! Lunch closes at three, so avoid showing up at 2:50. I have gotten some ridiculous rudeness and evil eyes from employees for my late-lunching. That would be my only negative review. The service is generally pleasant. If I have to eat an evil eye with my tasty sandwich, than so be it! Or you can always go fuck yourself!?

Las Chiladas Meet me at Las Chiladas in the morning!
- Edit review February 04, 2010 - Likes it

Las Chiladas is always packed for breakfast and lunch. Why you ask? Because it's fresh!!!! More than that, the tacos are generously packed, the tortillas are always warm, the servers are not too nice, just nice enough. Who wants an overly friendly a-hole in the morning? You can get barbacoa most days of the week, the coffee is good, the migas are amazing. If you are lucky you might find Analisa waiting for hours inside for friends to show up after a long night on partying! Highly recommend any day of the week. Not open for dinner.    Fyi..   .new review!!!!!!!   las chiladas pissed me off!  I only wanted an early morning taco. I don't know if you have heard.... but there is a huge fucking difference between a chilaquile and a motherfucking MIGA!!!!!!!!!  I'm not new to these, Ive been putting tacos up my nose since I could drive. Am I fine? no!!!!!! I always thought the Las Chiladas lobby was a no judging zone. Quinn is my boss and she hurts cause you hurt me! I never said egg and bean!!!!!!I called ahead for good measure, you know to be courteous and shit.......Fuck them and their bean and egg faces!

Auden's Kitchen still pissed about those fries!
- Edit review July 12, 2010 - Doesn't like it

shared three different dishes, all of which I could have made at home, and wouldn't have tasted like first semester culinary school bullshit. Worst fries ever. EVER. You don't use Tilapia for Fish and Chips! I would describe the staff just as I would their shitty excuse for "mac and cheese", bland, underseasoned and way too cheesy. The "homemade ketchup" tasted like watered down Clamato. BUT, If you like cougars that shimmy while they scarf down their salads and a bunch of dorks that just arrived on some time machine from 1993, it's the place for you! Not a looker in the bunch.

Dough Pizzeria Napoletana Give me a bill, get me a car service, send me to Dough.
- Edit review July 21, 2010 - Likes it

5 glasses of proseco, a few apps, and a pizza. Sounds about right. This is the best place in town. Some say it is a bit pricey, but you get what you pay for. There is a Denny's in the same center, I hear you can get a whole plate of food for 4 bucks,(leftovers from the Wedgewood) go there. Pizza like you have never tasted. Highest quality of ingredients will result in the highest quality product, pizza. They don't dick around here. Burratta specials everyday. A plate of soft artisan made cheese surrounded by garlic and pesto and other delicious shit. Salads with dressings, that are made right. Oil, vin, salt, good salt, and some pepper. That is it! Tell me you know a better place to dine, and I will tell you to get butt fucked!

Sushihana Rolls, rolls, and mom jeans..... - Edit review July 27, 2010 - Likes it Sushihana is located in the middle of Castle Hills, right near 410. It has plenty of parking and seems to have a steady stream of customers. I have never had to wait for a table. The perfect balance in my opinion. The lunch special sea bass dish is tasty for a heartier appetite. served on a bed of snow peas and mashed potatoes. Very tasty. The Summer Roll, which I had never had before, was amazing. A rice-less roll wrapped in an edible rice paper was filled with fat pieces of fish, cream cheese, and chive. This roll is 75 percent straight up fish, they don't load it up with a bunch of bullshit! Loved it. The sashimi on the other hand is not so impressive. Way too expensive, not that fresh, amature cuts, smells like fish. The place is always clean, the service is always good, never seem to be any asians on staff, but whatever. They seem to know what they are doing. They have a long list of rolls to choose from, many of which are San Antonio/Spurs inspired which I like. The Duncan Roll and the New Orleans Rolls come to mind as my favorite. Get those. If you have a fat girl in your party (I always do), get the Fried Cheesecake for dessert. Sushihana is suitable for a lunch with the boss or a prospective client. A dinner nice dinner with the folks. Or maybe just some floozy who might want it in the rear. In that case, bring lots of money, the Sake isn't cheap. btw. the hostess is some 40-something white lady who wears mom jeans and has a unibrow. she was real nice. though.

Sushihana Rolls, rolls, and mom jeans.....

Sushihana is located in the middle of Castle Hills, right near 410. It has plenty of parking and seems to have a steady stream of customers. I have never had to wait for a table. The perfect balance in my opinion.The lunch special sea bass dish is tasty for a heartier appetite. served on a bed of snow peas and mashed potatoes. Very tasty. The Summer Roll, which I had never had before, was amazing. A rice-less roll wrapped in an edible rice paper was filled with fat pieces of fish, cream cheese, and chive. This roll is 75 percent straight up fish, they don't load it up with a bunch of bullshit! Loved it.The sashimi on the other hand is not so impressive. Way too expensive, not that fresh, amature cuts, smells like fish.The place is always clean, the service is always good, never seem to be any asians on staff, but whatever. They seem to know what they are doing.They have a long list of rolls to choose from, many of which are San Antonio/Spurs inspired which I like. The Duncan Roll and the New Orleans Rolls come to mind as my favorite. Get those.If you have a fat girl in your party (I always do), get the Fried Cheesecake for dessert.Sushihana is suitable for a lunch with the boss or a prospective client. A dinner nice dinner with the folks. Or maybe just some floozy who might want it in the rear. In that case, bring lots of money, the Sake isn't cheap.btw. the hostess is some 40-something white lady who wears mom jeans and has a unibrow. she was real nice. though.

La Gloria Mexican La Amazinga
- Edit review September 15, 2010 - Doesn't like it

Where to begin..... La Gloria is perched right on the newly expanded portion of the San Antonio River at the Pearl Brewery. They have a great patio and really cool metal work. All the chairs and deco are some sort of metal plasma gun amazing. They invested in the misters (meesters). I like them. Some ladies hate the meesters because it fucks up their makeup and hair, doesn't bother me because I'm such a mess, I will probably get shitfaced and fall in the river anyway. The food, oh the the food. The ceviche seriously tasted like they had taken one of those bags of frozen shrimp you get at HEB, let it defrost, open a can of corn pour that in the bag, shake it up and throw a handful in a bowl! No salt, no acid, tasted like bullshit! Then there were a bunch of tacos that I don't remember much about, other than the fact that they blew. There was some weird little bean package thing that was ok, but was in no way was redeeming. NOTHING was seasoned. I asked for "spicy" with every order that was made. They should have just put little skirts on us, because the salsa was pussy!So after spending about 50 bucks on all this garbage, totally unsatisfied, walked across the parking lot to Sandbar where we had the best crab cake sandwiches ever! I guess that is another review!!In conclusion, we should have just taken 50 bucks and all the tacos and thawed shrimp and flushed it all down the toilet and saved ourselves a lot of time.I want to like you La Gloria, i do, but all I really want to say to you is get a job!!!!! I think I found one! -Make good food!!!

Tong's Thai Who is Tong?
- Edit review September 18, 2010

I like Tongs Thai. I like the ladies who always answer the door, I like the waiter that i always seem to get, no matter where I get seated. The Green Curry is super tasty, really spicy, and delicious. Don't get sushi here. I can fry a shrimp and wrap it up in rice and squirt spicy mayo on it at home. Seaweed salad, it was good, sure it came in the mail. No biggie. Food aside, I recommend sitting outside at Tong's simply for the front row view of all the beautiful motels that line that section of Austin Highway. What is up with that?Green curry, go get it!

40 Pieces of UTSA Trash Line the Place!

Once you get past the bitch hostess, I nice cozy booth for my fat ass is waiting! The sliders are good. Enough with the positives. This place is a total ripoff! My most recent visit was during their happy hour, what a pile of bullshit. The tuna was inedible, had to send that back. The crab cakes were mediocre at best. The chicken wings were cold and the sauce was beginning to harden. Frozen Cisco bullshit. Would have been better off staying at home with a fridge full of beer where I can get as sauced as I want without having to drive, have the Schwans truck deliver me a bunch of frozen meals and heated that shit up myself! I can see the appeal.  So many beers on tap, big tvs, and large comfy booths. Well way to go yard house, you fucked your own butt on this one!