Saturday, October 8, 2011
That Giant Cunt From Dough
Dough serves some quality fare. Real tasty, that has been established. What is not so savory about said Dough? That two day old can of tuna that guards the door, seating and my booze. She wears stupid glasses that probably improve her appearance being that those wire frames serve to distract from those butthole eyes. Apparently she sleeps behind the TJ Max. She has a deal with them. She gets to sleep by the back door and gets free khakis, in exchange for her sleep-farts keeping away thieves and bums. She takes a hose bath every other week with the used soaps she finds in the dumpster from the Wedgewood. This woman really rains of my parade. I am loyal and well paying patron of Dough, and I feel I am owed a little respect. VIP respect. If I knew when her day off was, I would dine on those days. But she doesn't seem to have days off, she is always there! Probably to pay for all the tape she has to use to conceal her roast beef curtains that she has too tape to her thighs. I am officially boycotting Dough until that horse face is gone. When I come in I want table right away, a table of my choosing. Is that too much to ask? While she dicks around with the white trash and mexican nationals that now fill the tables there, I will be elsewhere hating her.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Lukes Restaurant Review
Lüke, What a shit show!
I have a great idea for any asshole wanting to waste a good 60 bones on a smelly vagina tasting lunch. Here is what you should order: some fancy oysters that have been sitting in a pool of hot dishwater, some crab bisque that tastes like last nights dishwater, and a BLT that consists of half a piece of bacon, a mealy tomato, and some burned bread. They actually topped off that pussy fart of a BLT off with an overly fried soft shell crab, unseasoned. Now you have just flushed 60 bucks down the crapper! Congrats!You might as well stay home and mix up some DISHWATER! Thank you Luke for a smelly bunch of dookie!
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Friday, May 6, 2011
pregnant
I got Tina Fey pregnant behind my old middle school. Yes! We will name the baby Fred Dorothy Tina.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
What if?
If reincarnation does exist, it is possible Osama bin Laden was reincarnated into one of Mariah Carey's babies?
Saturday, April 30, 2011
camels
"It smells like camel food in here"
"No way it smells like camels!"
"Oh my God! Camels have stared eating other camels!"
"No way it smells like camels!"
"Oh my God! Camels have stared eating other camels!"
Sunday, April 24, 2011
You won't see me a regular gym!
All those men try to stare down my vag!
I would rather go to curves!
I would rather go to curves!
Why don't I live in Austin. Questions and answers.
Is it just too great? I mean, why the fuck don't we all live there? Well that would just be too easy wouldn't it?! Lakes, rivers, hippies, yuppies, dykes, motorheads, geeks. Rooney! .... Call me sir!
Beautiful people everywhere. Really! So many pretty folks on every side of my chubby face! Plenty of douche bags on hand to verbally rip apart to mineself.
You can literally walk a mile in any direction and have door after door of doors! If you do have a penis you will most likely find some ear gauges to put your weiner in! Keep your eye out for young, pregnant ladies who are about to ruin their lives. Congratulations! It's a jerk! 215 pounds and 4 ounces. Someone cut the cord to his..xbox!
So I think I might take that 800k I have lying around my money drawer and get me a cozy place in a-town. I will start reading Mother Jones and shitting green. Get a yoga membership and give up on penis.
Beautiful people everywhere. Really! So many pretty folks on every side of my chubby face! Plenty of douche bags on hand to verbally rip apart to mineself.
You can literally walk a mile in any direction and have door after door of doors! If you do have a penis you will most likely find some ear gauges to put your weiner in! Keep your eye out for young, pregnant ladies who are about to ruin their lives. Congratulations! It's a jerk! 215 pounds and 4 ounces. Someone cut the cord to his..xbox!
So I think I might take that 800k I have lying around my money drawer and get me a cozy place in a-town. I will start reading Mother Jones and shitting green. Get a yoga membership and give up on penis.
Friday, April 15, 2011
David Arquette is a fucking idiot.
I have a drunk baby voice that I am bi-weekly ashamed of.
David sounds like a fucking retard. Blaa blla bloo blaa blaa. His voice grinds my fucking gears. He is NOT funny. He sounds like one of those churchill dropouts when it was cool to date one. Even so, he sounds very syndrome of some form or another. If he says "sorta" one more time, Courtney Cox will have to explain his murder to their young child.
David sounds like a fucking retard. Blaa blla bloo blaa blaa. His voice grinds my fucking gears. He is NOT funny. He sounds like one of those churchill dropouts when it was cool to date one. Even so, he sounds very syndrome of some form or another. If he says "sorta" one more time, Courtney Cox will have to explain his murder to their young child.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Tele Dilemma!
So, while most of the stupid USA aren't participating in the San Antonio Fiesta activities, drinking tons of beer and spending countless coupons on Maria's Torillas, gorditas, puffy tacos, escar-motherfucking-got, and all the other treats that i DID eat, I just can't remember their names! I have been super busy supporting the local conservation society!
Apparently the rest of the country has been busy watching Dancing with Piles of Shit, or American Pityfuck.
The network shows are starting to come towards the end of their seasons. OH WAIT!
NO THAT HAVENT! THEY HAVE BEEN SHOWING A FUCK LOAD OF REPEATS WHILE I SIT AROUND WAITING TO SEE HOW MANY PREVIEWS IN ONE COMMERCIAL BREAK I CAN SEE FOR FUCKING COUGAR TOWN!
I care very much for my Modern Family Wednesdays. It has been at least a month.
I have really been hanging in there for my NBC Thursdays. (Excluding those two new shit-shows that someone, someones! should be fired for.)
How are we ever going to maintain any quality programming when these huge gaps between new episodes happen all the fucking time?
It really frustrates the hell out of me.
This is the time of year when all of my favorite cable shows begin to rear there savory heads.
Showtime has it's Nurse Jackie. Love.
United States of Tara. Not the best dish, but way better than any of the crap they serve at your restaurant.
The Borgias. Been waiting for this fancy package of corruption for over a year! And what do they do? Give Jeremy Irons 5 minutes of screen time by episode 3. The younger, shithead son is horribly cast. He was in that Pillars of the Earth mini-series where he also played a despicable son who probably masturbates too much and has no friends other than the ones his status pathetically assigns to him.
Starz. Really clever name for a network.
Don't have many. What they did have was Party Down. Half hour pieces of fucking brilliance! I won't bother name dropping. That is what IMDB is for
On the other hand Startz was responsible for that joke Sparticus. AKA Why are you tempting me to throw a brick through all those jokable backdrops.
Camelot. Joseph Fiennes. Come on! JF as Merlin, who does no fucking sorcery. What am I missing on The Movie Channel?
HBO continues to deliver. Mildred Pierce, the five part mini-series staring Kate Winslet blew my mind. It is almost 6 hours in total and I have watched it twice.
My point. I can watch old Simpsons episodes and countless classic movies on my computer for free all day long. But TV, network TV. I just don't think this is working out between us. Even your better looking and more reliable half-sister HULU is just covered in these repetitive ads that I can't even make prettier with a little concealer, a pinch, or even some rouge! Your ads make me want to steal!
Pirate TV is all I can do for now.
Apparently the rest of the country has been busy watching Dancing with Piles of Shit, or American Pityfuck.
The network shows are starting to come towards the end of their seasons. OH WAIT!
NO THAT HAVENT! THEY HAVE BEEN SHOWING A FUCK LOAD OF REPEATS WHILE I SIT AROUND WAITING TO SEE HOW MANY PREVIEWS IN ONE COMMERCIAL BREAK I CAN SEE FOR FUCKING COUGAR TOWN!
I care very much for my Modern Family Wednesdays. It has been at least a month.
I have really been hanging in there for my NBC Thursdays. (Excluding those two new shit-shows that someone, someones! should be fired for.)
How are we ever going to maintain any quality programming when these huge gaps between new episodes happen all the fucking time?
It really frustrates the hell out of me.
This is the time of year when all of my favorite cable shows begin to rear there savory heads.
Showtime has it's Nurse Jackie. Love.
United States of Tara. Not the best dish, but way better than any of the crap they serve at your restaurant.
The Borgias. Been waiting for this fancy package of corruption for over a year! And what do they do? Give Jeremy Irons 5 minutes of screen time by episode 3. The younger, shithead son is horribly cast. He was in that Pillars of the Earth mini-series where he also played a despicable son who probably masturbates too much and has no friends other than the ones his status pathetically assigns to him.
Starz. Really clever name for a network.
Don't have many. What they did have was Party Down. Half hour pieces of fucking brilliance! I won't bother name dropping. That is what IMDB is for
On the other hand Startz was responsible for that joke Sparticus. AKA Why are you tempting me to throw a brick through all those jokable backdrops.
Camelot. Joseph Fiennes. Come on! JF as Merlin, who does no fucking sorcery. What am I missing on The Movie Channel?
HBO continues to deliver. Mildred Pierce, the five part mini-series staring Kate Winslet blew my mind. It is almost 6 hours in total and I have watched it twice.
My point. I can watch old Simpsons episodes and countless classic movies on my computer for free all day long. But TV, network TV. I just don't think this is working out between us. Even your better looking and more reliable half-sister HULU is just covered in these repetitive ads that I can't even make prettier with a little concealer, a pinch, or even some rouge! Your ads make me want to steal!
Pirate TV is all I can do for now.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Cantaloupes. The loser of the fruit world.
Moe: I'm about to die and I never tried cantaloupes!!!
Krusty: Trust me you aren't missing anything, honeydew is the money melon.
Krusty: Trust me you aren't missing anything, honeydew is the money melon.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Chad and I are starting a restaurant. Bring your friends. (no children)
Right at the corner of Vance Jackson and Huebner, there is this little piece of heaven (strip center).
Saturday, March 19, 2011
My response to some stupid asshole against a new Whole Foods on the north side.
Wow. This fart blossom really grinds my gears. I have been waiting for a Whole Foods a little closer to my house for quite some time. I'm a huge fan, and I think San Antonio could easily support several locations in this town. This douche is trying to prevent me getting Cilantro Pesto Tofu into my mouth in under 10 minutes, driving from home to store. SO FUCK HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!
DICKFACE:
[quote=smuboy86;18297456]I don't get it, I think that the San Antonio whole foods is perfectly adequate for our needs as a city. It's comparable to any whole foods it's age and some that are newer. It's quite a bit larger than the one in the Dallas suburb of Richardson and about the same size as the Plano and Highland Park locations. It's probably triple the size of the old dallas one that just got replaced by the one in the picture above. The old Dallas one had been around in one shape or another since the early 80's.
I think that the stone oak one is going to bomb, people out there are to concerned with double coupons and trying to keep there suburbans filled with gas. They may make a special trip once in a while, but I doubt they make it a regular experience.[/quote]
ME:
San Antonio is a big city, a huge city size wise. Why shouldn't everyone have the access to the great grocery store Whole Foods is without having to drive to Alamo Heights? Ya, Stone Oak is pretty lame, but it will be so much closer and convenient for large portion of the city, not just Stone Oak. You are making that Stone Oak crowd look pretty good next to your BS. I used to work at the Whole Foods you speak of. People would drive from Boerne, Kerville, Bulverde, and all over the hill country to buy all of their groceries on a consistent basis. Huge short cut for them! Maybe the Whole Foods with the 09 address is perfectly adequate for you, but this is going to be great for the rest of us. No one is taking YOUR Whole Foods away bro. Calm the fuck down! Just spreading the tofu and lavender oil to the other side of town. Why can't we all do a line! The double coupon comment makes you look especially ridiculous, do you think financially conscience people and all natural food stores are exclusive of each other? Maybe the biggest bonus from the new store is no possibility running into a pretentious ass like you. Congrats on your knowledge of Dallas Whole Foods square footage, no one here gives a shit. Move back! I guarantee you won't be missed, and I'm sure a bunch of 6 fingered inbreds from Highland Park will care a lot more about the bullshit that comes out of your mouth than the good people of San Antonio.
GOOD LUCK WITH THE MOVE!
DICKFACE:
[quote=smuboy86;18297456]I don't get it, I think that the San Antonio whole foods is perfectly adequate for our needs as a city. It's comparable to any whole foods it's age and some that are newer. It's quite a bit larger than the one in the Dallas suburb of Richardson and about the same size as the Plano and Highland Park locations. It's probably triple the size of the old dallas one that just got replaced by the one in the picture above. The old Dallas one had been around in one shape or another since the early 80's.
I think that the stone oak one is going to bomb, people out there are to concerned with double coupons and trying to keep there suburbans filled with gas. They may make a special trip once in a while, but I doubt they make it a regular experience.[/quote]
ME:
San Antonio is a big city, a huge city size wise. Why shouldn't everyone have the access to the great grocery store Whole Foods is without having to drive to Alamo Heights? Ya, Stone Oak is pretty lame, but it will be so much closer and convenient for large portion of the city, not just Stone Oak. You are making that Stone Oak crowd look pretty good next to your BS. I used to work at the Whole Foods you speak of. People would drive from Boerne, Kerville, Bulverde, and all over the hill country to buy all of their groceries on a consistent basis. Huge short cut for them! Maybe the Whole Foods with the 09 address is perfectly adequate for you, but this is going to be great for the rest of us. No one is taking YOUR Whole Foods away bro. Calm the fuck down! Just spreading the tofu and lavender oil to the other side of town. Why can't we all do a line! The double coupon comment makes you look especially ridiculous, do you think financially conscience people and all natural food stores are exclusive of each other? Maybe the biggest bonus from the new store is no possibility running into a pretentious ass like you. Congrats on your knowledge of Dallas Whole Foods square footage, no one here gives a shit. Move back! I guarantee you won't be missed, and I'm sure a bunch of 6 fingered inbreds from Highland Park will care a lot more about the bullshit that comes out of your mouth than the good people of San Antonio.
GOOD LUCK WITH THE MOVE!
Friday, March 18, 2011
Top Old Man Rees Quotes. In a somewhat particular order.
1. Chad: Would you like a sip of my milkshake Mr. Rees?
Mr. Rees: FUCK NO!!!!!!!!!
2. THERE'S A BONE! (while eating Trip's somewhat smoked salmon)
3. Chad: Where the fuck is Craig?!! (at three in the morning after Dallas Sessions falsely accused Craig of stealing Becky Glusac's phone)
Mr. Rees: He is here Chad
Chad: Well unlock the door because I am coming over to kick his ass
Mr. Ress: Ok. AND GIVE HIM A PUNCH FOR ME!
4. It's not easy being retired!
5. "I pay for everything.............Give me a kiss.............I'm getting the hell out of here."
6. That's a good slice! OOOP! (slice of pizza does a backflip)
7. Who is this Lauren? (while craig is pretending to be some asian, shit talking from Linda's house)
8. "Hey Amy... would you like to ring the bell?" (referring to the bb gun that sit's by his sliding glass door, and the bell that hangs from the tree.)
9. Craig: Hey old man, how was lunch?
Old Man Rees: It was fine?
Craig: Thats not what I heard! I heard you spilled a full beer, and ruined lunch!
Old Man Rees: Mah! WHO TOLD YOU?!
10. God dammit, your mother, she is a beautiful woman. But she's a little high strung. BAH
11. Do you see a drink in my hand now, Linda?!
12. "Do you like gin?" -old man's go-to pickup line.
13. Host of "Hollywood Squares" game show in 1978: "So Mr. Rees, what have you been doing while
in Burbank?"
Old Man Rees: "DRINKING TOTTIES!!!!!"
Mr. Rees: FUCK NO!!!!!!!!!
2. THERE'S A BONE! (while eating Trip's somewhat smoked salmon)
3. Chad: Where the fuck is Craig?!! (at three in the morning after Dallas Sessions falsely accused Craig of stealing Becky Glusac's phone)
Mr. Rees: He is here Chad
Chad: Well unlock the door because I am coming over to kick his ass
Mr. Ress: Ok. AND GIVE HIM A PUNCH FOR ME!
4. It's not easy being retired!
5. "I pay for everything.............Give me a kiss.............I'm getting the hell out of here."
6. That's a good slice! OOOP! (slice of pizza does a backflip)
7. Who is this Lauren? (while craig is pretending to be some asian, shit talking from Linda's house)
8. "Hey Amy... would you like to ring the bell?" (referring to the bb gun that sit's by his sliding glass door, and the bell that hangs from the tree.)
9. Craig: Hey old man, how was lunch?
Old Man Rees: It was fine?
Craig: Thats not what I heard! I heard you spilled a full beer, and ruined lunch!
Old Man Rees: Mah! WHO TOLD YOU?!
10. God dammit, your mother, she is a beautiful woman. But she's a little high strung. BAH
11. Do you see a drink in my hand now, Linda?!
12. "Do you like gin?" -old man's go-to pickup line.
13. Host of "Hollywood Squares" game show in 1978: "So Mr. Rees, what have you been doing while
in Burbank?"
Old Man Rees: "DRINKING TOTTIES!!!!!"
Thursday, March 10, 2011
This was meant to be a food blog, but who gives a shit about food blogs anymore?
The guy who played the dad in The Wonder Years is not Vincent Lombardi. German Potato Salad is really not a salad, in that is does not contain Mayonnaise. Adam Sandler broke my heart and now will only make shitty movies forever.
Racism
Why do all of the evil children in the pixar movies always have freckles? Class Action suit ensues.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Would you like to swing on a star?
Or would you rather go to earth? "Out of This World". Great TV show from the 90's, with an even better theme song. So, this teenaged chick can freeze time by simply pointing her index fingers together. Apparently her mom fucked some alien, thus the superpower. I want to say she had some gay uncle who was in on the secret. But for the most part she is raised by her single mom, and gets these weird visits from her dad who is some kind of light ball who talks out of a lamp and gives her advice about boys and shit. There should have been way more gambling, rearranging church marquees, donkey punching enemies, dining and dashing, excessive napping, and farting in the middle of a crowd and then vanishing. She really never seemed to take advantage of her gift. When I try to put my index fingers together, all I get is a failed sobriety test. Thanks SAPD!
olympia dukakus and shirley maclaine
"what would you call that color? grape or aubergine?
shut up Clarie! they just want to hear about injuries and touchdowns, they dont want to hear about that grape shit!"
shut up Clarie! they just want to hear about injuries and touchdowns, they dont want to hear about that grape shit!"
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Can't go to a regular gym.
I can't go to a regular gym with out some man trying to stare down my vag. That is why I go to curves!
Scissor me timbers!
Scissor me timbers!
Monday, February 21, 2011
Top Ten Anna Lisa Quotes. In a semi-specific order.
1. "Dude! The Good Son!" Screamed in Elijah Wood's face at the 2003 SXSW. (Lord of the Rings peak)
2. My panties are in the dryer! I'm ready to party! Pick me up!
3. They wake up at like 4 in the morning and start cooking them.! "What do they cook?" Carne Guisadas! "are you going to get one?" Fuck NO! I'm getting a potato and egg! They're expensive! (carne guisadas) But you should get one. And give me a bite.
4. I need something to wear! "Well, look through my closet if you would like to borrow something." How about this? "That is the most expensive thing I own, so no." DUDE! It's not like I'm gonna go to Too Good To Be Through, and be like, HOW MUCH?1
5. Pregnancy test came back negative! THREE PRAIRIE FIRES!
6. "Wow... these Taco Cabana tacos are pretty good." Uh..... ya. Do you know why they are good? (you stupid fuck) BECAUSE THEY ARE FRESH!
7. Dude! Give me your Americus Diamond box! I'm gonna put my Zale's in it!
8. One day on the zip-line at Natural Bridge Caverns... "Dude, spray me with the hose! I want to enhance my experience!"
9. "Ryan is such a nice guy, he didn't eat anything the whole trip."
10. "Hey, I can't find Kitty. I had to put my SIM card in some fat guy's phone.
Footnote:
There is no such term as a modern-day poet, unless Anna Lisa Moreno is included in that sentence.
2. My panties are in the dryer! I'm ready to party! Pick me up!
3. They wake up at like 4 in the morning and start cooking them.! "What do they cook?" Carne Guisadas! "are you going to get one?" Fuck NO! I'm getting a potato and egg! They're expensive! (carne guisadas) But you should get one. And give me a bite.
4. I need something to wear! "Well, look through my closet if you would like to borrow something." How about this? "That is the most expensive thing I own, so no." DUDE! It's not like I'm gonna go to Too Good To Be Through, and be like, HOW MUCH?1
5. Pregnancy test came back negative! THREE PRAIRIE FIRES!
6. "Wow... these Taco Cabana tacos are pretty good." Uh..... ya. Do you know why they are good? (you stupid fuck) BECAUSE THEY ARE FRESH!
7. Dude! Give me your Americus Diamond box! I'm gonna put my Zale's in it!
8. One day on the zip-line at Natural Bridge Caverns... "Dude, spray me with the hose! I want to enhance my experience!"
9. "Ryan is such a nice guy, he didn't eat anything the whole trip."
10. "Hey, I can't find Kitty. I had to put my SIM card in some fat guy's phone.
Footnote:
There is no such term as a modern-day poet, unless Anna Lisa Moreno is included in that sentence.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Thursday night entertainment. Yes, I also think that entertainment is far too long of a word.
With all the bs that corrupts the airwaves. Thursdays are a day this lazy couch dweller looks forward to. Wednesdays are a treat with their Modern Family and Top Chef. I love them. Modern Family has is all! Ed O'Neil, the really funny guy who plays Phil, the most beautiful woman I have ever seen, Sofia Vergara. (yes i do know her full name. what!?)
Let me get to the point. TV is just horseshit these days. I don't give a drunk-paula-abdul's- ass. Biggest Loser, Dancing with a Retard.
Let me get to the point. TV is just horseshit these days. I don't give a drunk-paula-abdul's- ass. Biggest Loser, Dancing with a Retard.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Dana Carvey just hosted SNL, we still don't know why.
So while SNL has been less than watchable in the last few years, I have been promoting the shit out of this new season. The cast is solid! (Minus a few losers)
Soooo, Dana Carvey gets the hosting gig this weekend, I'm thinking, "why, what has this asshat done recently, or in the last 10 years for that matter to deserve the highly coveted gig of SNL host? It isn't that I dislike the guy. I don't. He just hasn't done dick since he left SNL. Wayne's World movies. And some bullshit films that were so bad, I see why he has been hiding for so long. (He should be ashamed)
The show begins with a cold open of Wayne's World, Mike Myers in tow. I think the idea was to get every one's dicks hard at the thought of a new WW skit after we have been deprived for so long. WRONG! It was like running into an old crush you knew 17 YEARS AGO and now they are old as fuck! Made my penis soft!
Monologue, same shit. Him talking about his old cast, how great they were, Jon Lovitz made an appearance, which was a pleasant surprise. That should sum that up. Lovitz=pleasant.
To be continued, sick and sleepy.
I'm back, I still can't hear anything. Finally a use for that CC button.
While I am not an old crotchety maid yet. After watching this episode I can see how the younger crowd watching might think, "who the fuck is this Dana Carvey?' And maybe, "in what era did parents name their male sons Dana".
I'm pretty sure the first sketch kicked it off with the Church Lady. Talk of the devil in current, popular culture. This would include the Kardashian sisters, Snooki, and Justin Bieber.
The Kardashians were pretty accurate. I am a huge fan of the guy who plays Snooki, ha. Talk of Charlie Sheen, "One and a Half Men and a Whore Monger"- mah.
Here comes Justin Bieber. Way to play ball Justin. There is no way this fetus is familiar with any Carvey material. The Roommate sketch with Andy Sandberg, not total shit. Sandberg always delivers.
More sketches, Dana as Mickey Rooney. Really?
The rest of the show is just not funny. I have to assume the cast likely tried to sway him to be a part of the new, popular sketches. It's like a commission. We don't succeed unless you do! It was obvious he pushed his old characters into the mix.
Where the fuck was Lorne Michaels in all of this. Isn't he supposed to be the quintessential asshole in all of this, putting his foot down, telling that washed up shorty, "I'm doing you a huge solid here, Garth and church lady is all you've got. Let us take it from here." Lorne...
The guy is trying to relive his glory days. I can appreciate that. But, it's been way too long sweetheart. Nobody gives a shit anymore and your old shtick is way outdated.
It really was a travesty of a show, I didn't even bring up the Regis and Kelly skit. Shit show, all around.
Take a cue from your buddy Mike Myers.... Do some animated crap that warrants sequels, make a stupid amount cash, and don't show your face in this town again. Love you!
Soooo, Dana Carvey gets the hosting gig this weekend, I'm thinking, "why, what has this asshat done recently, or in the last 10 years for that matter to deserve the highly coveted gig of SNL host? It isn't that I dislike the guy. I don't. He just hasn't done dick since he left SNL. Wayne's World movies. And some bullshit films that were so bad, I see why he has been hiding for so long. (He should be ashamed)
The show begins with a cold open of Wayne's World, Mike Myers in tow. I think the idea was to get every one's dicks hard at the thought of a new WW skit after we have been deprived for so long. WRONG! It was like running into an old crush you knew 17 YEARS AGO and now they are old as fuck! Made my penis soft!
Monologue, same shit. Him talking about his old cast, how great they were, Jon Lovitz made an appearance, which was a pleasant surprise. That should sum that up. Lovitz=pleasant.
To be continued, sick and sleepy.
I'm back, I still can't hear anything. Finally a use for that CC button.
While I am not an old crotchety maid yet. After watching this episode I can see how the younger crowd watching might think, "who the fuck is this Dana Carvey?' And maybe, "in what era did parents name their male sons Dana".
I'm pretty sure the first sketch kicked it off with the Church Lady. Talk of the devil in current, popular culture. This would include the Kardashian sisters, Snooki, and Justin Bieber.
The Kardashians were pretty accurate. I am a huge fan of the guy who plays Snooki, ha. Talk of Charlie Sheen, "One and a Half Men and a Whore Monger"- mah.
Here comes Justin Bieber. Way to play ball Justin. There is no way this fetus is familiar with any Carvey material. The Roommate sketch with Andy Sandberg, not total shit. Sandberg always delivers.
More sketches, Dana as Mickey Rooney. Really?
The rest of the show is just not funny. I have to assume the cast likely tried to sway him to be a part of the new, popular sketches. It's like a commission. We don't succeed unless you do! It was obvious he pushed his old characters into the mix.
Where the fuck was Lorne Michaels in all of this. Isn't he supposed to be the quintessential asshole in all of this, putting his foot down, telling that washed up shorty, "I'm doing you a huge solid here, Garth and church lady is all you've got. Let us take it from here." Lorne...
The guy is trying to relive his glory days. I can appreciate that. But, it's been way too long sweetheart. Nobody gives a shit anymore and your old shtick is way outdated.
It really was a travesty of a show, I didn't even bring up the Regis and Kelly skit. Shit show, all around.
Take a cue from your buddy Mike Myers.... Do some animated crap that warrants sequels, make a stupid amount cash, and don't show your face in this town again. Love you!
Friday, February 4, 2011
This is goodbye
My fucking ears are going to explode. My eyeballs feel like they have been dipped in sand. My throat feels like it has been skinned. What am I?, a fucking toddler? Who gets adult ear infections? Pink eye? Well this woman-toddler does. I know head removal is never advised, but I am beginning to consider it, and ready to do it myself. There is no slutty Blache Deveroux Golden Girls shtick to cheer me up. A surprise Designing Women DVD could appear in my bed. A preview of PeeWee Hermans new movie. Shirley Maclaine/ Olympia Dukakis fight. 10 puppies ready to snuggle. Every pain pill in Janice Dickinson's pre-rehab medicine cabinet. No food. No booze. Nothing can help me now. I want to be put down. I would like to pet the puppies real hard before I go. Just make it quick. I leave everything to Connie, the rest of you, well you can get fucked.
Friday, January 28, 2011
Staying in for the night.
HeyTell is the greatest invention since flip-flops. For those who aren't familiar with the medium, it is a walkie-talkie-ish phone program that is the shit!
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Kolaches up the butt!
I haven't had a good Kolache since Harold and I were in Schulenburg. Things got a bit heated this particular day. I wanted to have an early dinner! It was 4 o'clock! For crying out loud! I'm on a schedule! Bed time in 2 hours. My tummy is sensitive, this gal doesn't want to be getting up to go boom boom throughout the night!
Well, there is this great new place called Kolache Stop right by the house. Tasty wiener packages galore. Two nice young men run the joint. They seem to get along, but there is a jealous boyfriend scent in the air. No clue as to what that is about.
Pearl and Gladys had said they wanted to join, but I told them they needed to take their own car. I just can't dilly dally around, waiting for those gals to show! They are never on time. I have a back pill to take, and that means a food cushion!
8 o-clock is coming quick, time to put on my kaftan and hit the hay.
Well, there is this great new place called Kolache Stop right by the house. Tasty wiener packages galore. Two nice young men run the joint. They seem to get along, but there is a jealous boyfriend scent in the air. No clue as to what that is about.
Pearl and Gladys had said they wanted to join, but I told them they needed to take their own car. I just can't dilly dally around, waiting for those gals to show! They are never on time. I have a back pill to take, and that means a food cushion!
8 o-clock is coming quick, time to put on my kaftan and hit the hay.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
I am about to lose my shit!`
I love Joan Rivers. She is funny as fuck! I was really looking forward to her new show. Except she had to involve that shitbird. Her half-breed horse faced daughter makes me want to murder her, but right before she dies I will ask her why being given a million dollar lifestyle and a kickass mom, she turned out to be the biggest douche of the 90's. Then the old stab in the face. I officially can't watch the show. So disappointing. Everyone hates you Mellisa Rivers! Get fucked!
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Top 5 Burgers in San Antonio
Burgers are a huge subject of controversy in San Antonio.
There is this piece of shit white trash stomping ground called Chesters. I can't count how many friendships I have lost, all because of this tragedy of a burger joint! Fries I would never eat, or even stick or force in to anyone's asshole for that matter.
Let us be getting to the good parts:
1. Beefy's Backyard
ATOMIC BURGER. A little mix of grilled jalapenos, melted pepperjack cheese, and some crazy underground sex-scene salsa. Put all that mess on top of a beautiful beef patty and stick it between two mayonnaise cover buns. I don't want to think about my mom either!
2. Red Robin
BLUE RIBBON BURGER. Just close the fucking place down if all those yuppies running around with their kids at La Cantera aren't ordering this shit! They have a huge menu of bullshit spinach dip and onion ring towers. A long list of other step-sister burgers. That is what I am sure you would order if you were a Mexican national just leaving La Cantera after trying on all the most expensive clothes in Neiman Marcus and then throwing them all over the floor of your dressing room. That is exactly what those menu items were geared towards.
If? You on the other hand want to get a huge whip-it high out of a delicious bun filled with a fat beef patty, shoestring onion rings, blue cheese, and spicy chipotle sauce! THEN! Congratulations! You have come to the right place!
3. Chris Madrids
This is a San Antonio landmark! Don't dick around with the regular burger, the cheese burger, the bacon cheese burger, or even the double cheese something burger. Don't remember what they called that one.
The Tostada Burger is NO BULLSHIT! Use your imagination, if someone told me about a tostada burger, I wouldn't want all the details, I would want to try it for my own fucking self!
4. The Cove
Ok. This one is a little different. You must have a vagina or forget you have a dick for at least 10 minutes. (Or however long it takes for you to eat something that is your average hamburger size.)
We are talking about a Vegan "bacon cheeseburger". Veggie patty, pretty standard. The "bacon" part is a vegan bacon. The cheese part is a vegan cheese. But in the middle of all this vegan dike festival that happens in the middle of Cypress Street there is this little miracle that happens. They top all of the formerly mentioned ingredients with a generous pile of hummus and some other delicious shit. It becomes a trifecta of flavor! I will turn you a fag with this!
5. Broadway 50/50
Let us get straight to the point. El Jefe. For those of you who don't speak Spanish, it means The Jefe.
I think the guy that owns this place in in cahoots with Mr. Pam. They both buy those delicious buns from Broadway Daily Bread. A coincidence, me thinks not!
A sub-sandwich shaped burger, topped with some feta and pico de gallo or some shit. I don't know but it is so tasty.
That will end this I have whip-its to do!
There is this piece of shit white trash stomping ground called Chesters. I can't count how many friendships I have lost, all because of this tragedy of a burger joint! Fries I would never eat, or even stick or force in to anyone's asshole for that matter.
Let us be getting to the good parts:
1. Beefy's Backyard
ATOMIC BURGER. A little mix of grilled jalapenos, melted pepperjack cheese, and some crazy underground sex-scene salsa. Put all that mess on top of a beautiful beef patty and stick it between two mayonnaise cover buns. I don't want to think about my mom either!
2. Red Robin
BLUE RIBBON BURGER. Just close the fucking place down if all those yuppies running around with their kids at La Cantera aren't ordering this shit! They have a huge menu of bullshit spinach dip and onion ring towers. A long list of other step-sister burgers. That is what I am sure you would order if you were a Mexican national just leaving La Cantera after trying on all the most expensive clothes in Neiman Marcus and then throwing them all over the floor of your dressing room. That is exactly what those menu items were geared towards.
If? You on the other hand want to get a huge whip-it high out of a delicious bun filled with a fat beef patty, shoestring onion rings, blue cheese, and spicy chipotle sauce! THEN! Congratulations! You have come to the right place!
3. Chris Madrids
This is a San Antonio landmark! Don't dick around with the regular burger, the cheese burger, the bacon cheese burger, or even the double cheese something burger. Don't remember what they called that one.
The Tostada Burger is NO BULLSHIT! Use your imagination, if someone told me about a tostada burger, I wouldn't want all the details, I would want to try it for my own fucking self!
4. The Cove
Ok. This one is a little different. You must have a vagina or forget you have a dick for at least 10 minutes. (Or however long it takes for you to eat something that is your average hamburger size.)
We are talking about a Vegan "bacon cheeseburger". Veggie patty, pretty standard. The "bacon" part is a vegan bacon. The cheese part is a vegan cheese. But in the middle of all this vegan dike festival that happens in the middle of Cypress Street there is this little miracle that happens. They top all of the formerly mentioned ingredients with a generous pile of hummus and some other delicious shit. It becomes a trifecta of flavor! I will turn you a fag with this!
5. Broadway 50/50
Let us get straight to the point. El Jefe. For those of you who don't speak Spanish, it means The Jefe.
I think the guy that owns this place in in cahoots with Mr. Pam. They both buy those delicious buns from Broadway Daily Bread. A coincidence, me thinks not!
A sub-sandwich shaped burger, topped with some feta and pico de gallo or some shit. I don't know but it is so tasty.
That will end this I have whip-its to do!
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Saturday, January 8, 2011
top 5 Bette Midler movies! dicks!
There is this lady. Her name is Bette. Midler is her maiden name. She prefers The Divine Miss M. I say fine. Pretty legs, great big knockers.
1. First Wives Club
I can watch this over and over. Diane, Bette, Goldie. This movie is a true paragon. That is the adjective Rose Lindsey used to describe Sue Ellen Crandell in Don't Tell Mom The Babysitter's Dead.
2.Big Business
Get fucked if you don't know about this gem. Lily Tomlin and Bette. Two of them. Times two.
3.For The Boys
I am a huge pussy. Cry at everything. This is one of those that you really feel. Why? Cause that shit happened, and boys died. we. ourselves, parents, and grandparents have all been THIS age. But WE this age don't have any idea what THAT was like.
4.Down And Out In Beverly Hills
I just wanted so see Bette have an orgasm. so what?! Nick Nolte, Mr. Hollands Opus guy.
5.Beaches
Blossom, Hershey-face, tears. Ya. Ya, doesn't get old.
6. Stella.... go see it for yourself!
7.The Rose -
To be continued
1. First Wives Club
I can watch this over and over. Diane, Bette, Goldie. This movie is a true paragon. That is the adjective Rose Lindsey used to describe Sue Ellen Crandell in Don't Tell Mom The Babysitter's Dead.
2.Big Business
Get fucked if you don't know about this gem. Lily Tomlin and Bette. Two of them. Times two.
3.For The Boys
I am a huge pussy. Cry at everything. This is one of those that you really feel. Why? Cause that shit happened, and boys died. we. ourselves, parents, and grandparents have all been THIS age. But WE this age don't have any idea what THAT was like.
4.Down And Out In Beverly Hills
I just wanted so see Bette have an orgasm. so what?! Nick Nolte, Mr. Hollands Opus guy.
5.Beaches
Blossom, Hershey-face, tears. Ya. Ya, doesn't get old.
6. Stella.... go see it for yourself!
7.The Rose -
To be continued
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