Top 5 Burgers in San Antonio

Burgers are a huge subject of controversy in San Antonio.

There is this piece of shit white trash stomping ground called Chesters.   I can't count how many friendships I have lost, all because of this tragedy of a burger joint!  Fries I would never eat, or even stick or force in to anyone's asshole for that matter.
Let us be getting to the good parts:

1. Beefy's  Backyard
     ATOMIC BURGER.  A little mix of grilled jalapenos, melted pepperjack cheese, and some crazy underground sex-scene salsa.  Put all that mess on top of a beautiful beef patty and stick it between two mayonnaise cover buns.  I don't want to think about my mom either!

2.  Red Robin
     BLUE RIBBON BURGER.  Just close the fucking place down if all those yuppies running around with their kids at La Cantera aren't ordering this shit!  They have a huge menu of bullshit spinach dip and onion ring towers.  A long list of other step-sister burgers.  That is what I am sure you would order if you were a Mexican national just leaving La Cantera after trying on all the most expensive clothes in Neiman Marcus and then throwing them all over the floor of your dressing room.  That is exactly what those menu items were geared towards.
    If?  You on the other hand want to get a huge whip-it high out of a delicious bun filled with a fat beef patty, shoestring onion rings, blue cheese, and spicy chipotle sauce!  THEN!   Congratulations!  You have come to the right place!

3.   Chris Madrids
     This is a San Antonio landmark!  Don't dick around with the regular burger, the cheese burger, the bacon cheese burger, or even the double cheese something burger.  Don't remember what they called that one.
    The Tostada Burger is NO BULLSHIT!   Use your imagination, if someone told me about a tostada burger, I wouldn't want all the details, I would want to try it for my own fucking self!

4.   The Cove
     Ok.  This one is a little different.  You must have a vagina or forget you have a dick for at least 10 minutes.  (Or however long it takes for you to eat something that is your average hamburger size.)
     We are talking about a Vegan "bacon cheeseburger".   Veggie patty, pretty standard.  The "bacon" part is a vegan bacon.  The cheese part is a vegan cheese.    But in the middle of all this vegan dike festival that happens in the middle of Cypress Street there is this little miracle that happens.  They top all of the formerly mentioned ingredients with a generous pile of hummus and some other delicious shit.  It becomes a trifecta of flavor!  I will turn you a fag with this!

5.   Broadway 50/50
     Let us get straight to the point.  El Jefe.  For those of you who don't speak Spanish, it means The Jefe.
     I think the guy that owns this place in in cahoots with Mr. Pam.  They both buy those delicious buns from Broadway Daily Bread.  A coincidence, me thinks not!
     A sub-sandwich shaped burger, topped with some feta and pico de gallo or some shit.  I don't know but it is so tasty.



That will end this I have whip-its to do!