I can't go to a regular gym with out some man trying to stare down my vag. That is why I go to curves!
Scissor me timbers!
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Monday, February 21, 2011
Top Ten Anna Lisa Quotes. In a semi-specific order.
1. "Dude! The Good Son!" Screamed in Elijah Wood's face at the 2003 SXSW. (Lord of the Rings peak)
2. My panties are in the dryer! I'm ready to party! Pick me up!
3. They wake up at like 4 in the morning and start cooking them.! "What do they cook?" Carne Guisadas! "are you going to get one?" Fuck NO! I'm getting a potato and egg! They're expensive! (carne guisadas) But you should get one. And give me a bite.
4. I need something to wear! "Well, look through my closet if you would like to borrow something." How about this? "That is the most expensive thing I own, so no." DUDE! It's not like I'm gonna go to Too Good To Be Through, and be like, HOW MUCH?1
5. Pregnancy test came back negative! THREE PRAIRIE FIRES!
6. "Wow... these Taco Cabana tacos are pretty good." Uh..... ya. Do you know why they are good? (you stupid fuck) BECAUSE THEY ARE FRESH!
7. Dude! Give me your Americus Diamond box! I'm gonna put my Zale's in it!
8. One day on the zip-line at Natural Bridge Caverns... "Dude, spray me with the hose! I want to enhance my experience!"
9. "Ryan is such a nice guy, he didn't eat anything the whole trip."
10. "Hey, I can't find Kitty. I had to put my SIM card in some fat guy's phone.
Footnote:
There is no such term as a modern-day poet, unless Anna Lisa Moreno is included in that sentence.
2. My panties are in the dryer! I'm ready to party! Pick me up!
3. They wake up at like 4 in the morning and start cooking them.! "What do they cook?" Carne Guisadas! "are you going to get one?" Fuck NO! I'm getting a potato and egg! They're expensive! (carne guisadas) But you should get one. And give me a bite.
4. I need something to wear! "Well, look through my closet if you would like to borrow something." How about this? "That is the most expensive thing I own, so no." DUDE! It's not like I'm gonna go to Too Good To Be Through, and be like, HOW MUCH?1
5. Pregnancy test came back negative! THREE PRAIRIE FIRES!
6. "Wow... these Taco Cabana tacos are pretty good." Uh..... ya. Do you know why they are good? (you stupid fuck) BECAUSE THEY ARE FRESH!
7. Dude! Give me your Americus Diamond box! I'm gonna put my Zale's in it!
8. One day on the zip-line at Natural Bridge Caverns... "Dude, spray me with the hose! I want to enhance my experience!"
9. "Ryan is such a nice guy, he didn't eat anything the whole trip."
10. "Hey, I can't find Kitty. I had to put my SIM card in some fat guy's phone.
Footnote:
There is no such term as a modern-day poet, unless Anna Lisa Moreno is included in that sentence.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Thursday night entertainment. Yes, I also think that entertainment is far too long of a word.
With all the bs that corrupts the airwaves. Thursdays are a day this lazy couch dweller looks forward to. Wednesdays are a treat with their Modern Family and Top Chef. I love them. Modern Family has is all! Ed O'Neil, the really funny guy who plays Phil, the most beautiful woman I have ever seen, Sofia Vergara. (yes i do know her full name. what!?)
Let me get to the point. TV is just horseshit these days. I don't give a drunk-paula-abdul's- ass. Biggest Loser, Dancing with a Retard.
Let me get to the point. TV is just horseshit these days. I don't give a drunk-paula-abdul's- ass. Biggest Loser, Dancing with a Retard.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Dana Carvey just hosted SNL, we still don't know why.
So while SNL has been less than watchable in the last few years, I have been promoting the shit out of this new season. The cast is solid! (Minus a few losers)
Soooo, Dana Carvey gets the hosting gig this weekend, I'm thinking, "why, what has this asshat done recently, or in the last 10 years for that matter to deserve the highly coveted gig of SNL host? It isn't that I dislike the guy. I don't. He just hasn't done dick since he left SNL. Wayne's World movies. And some bullshit films that were so bad, I see why he has been hiding for so long. (He should be ashamed)
The show begins with a cold open of Wayne's World, Mike Myers in tow. I think the idea was to get every one's dicks hard at the thought of a new WW skit after we have been deprived for so long. WRONG! It was like running into an old crush you knew 17 YEARS AGO and now they are old as fuck! Made my penis soft!
Monologue, same shit. Him talking about his old cast, how great they were, Jon Lovitz made an appearance, which was a pleasant surprise. That should sum that up. Lovitz=pleasant.
To be continued, sick and sleepy.
I'm back, I still can't hear anything. Finally a use for that CC button.
While I am not an old crotchety maid yet. After watching this episode I can see how the younger crowd watching might think, "who the fuck is this Dana Carvey?' And maybe, "in what era did parents name their male sons Dana".
I'm pretty sure the first sketch kicked it off with the Church Lady. Talk of the devil in current, popular culture. This would include the Kardashian sisters, Snooki, and Justin Bieber.
The Kardashians were pretty accurate. I am a huge fan of the guy who plays Snooki, ha. Talk of Charlie Sheen, "One and a Half Men and a Whore Monger"- mah.
Here comes Justin Bieber. Way to play ball Justin. There is no way this fetus is familiar with any Carvey material. The Roommate sketch with Andy Sandberg, not total shit. Sandberg always delivers.
More sketches, Dana as Mickey Rooney. Really?
The rest of the show is just not funny. I have to assume the cast likely tried to sway him to be a part of the new, popular sketches. It's like a commission. We don't succeed unless you do! It was obvious he pushed his old characters into the mix.
Where the fuck was Lorne Michaels in all of this. Isn't he supposed to be the quintessential asshole in all of this, putting his foot down, telling that washed up shorty, "I'm doing you a huge solid here, Garth and church lady is all you've got. Let us take it from here." Lorne...
The guy is trying to relive his glory days. I can appreciate that. But, it's been way too long sweetheart. Nobody gives a shit anymore and your old shtick is way outdated.
It really was a travesty of a show, I didn't even bring up the Regis and Kelly skit. Shit show, all around.
Take a cue from your buddy Mike Myers.... Do some animated crap that warrants sequels, make a stupid amount cash, and don't show your face in this town again. Love you!
Soooo, Dana Carvey gets the hosting gig this weekend, I'm thinking, "why, what has this asshat done recently, or in the last 10 years for that matter to deserve the highly coveted gig of SNL host? It isn't that I dislike the guy. I don't. He just hasn't done dick since he left SNL. Wayne's World movies. And some bullshit films that were so bad, I see why he has been hiding for so long. (He should be ashamed)
The show begins with a cold open of Wayne's World, Mike Myers in tow. I think the idea was to get every one's dicks hard at the thought of a new WW skit after we have been deprived for so long. WRONG! It was like running into an old crush you knew 17 YEARS AGO and now they are old as fuck! Made my penis soft!
Monologue, same shit. Him talking about his old cast, how great they were, Jon Lovitz made an appearance, which was a pleasant surprise. That should sum that up. Lovitz=pleasant.
To be continued, sick and sleepy.
I'm back, I still can't hear anything. Finally a use for that CC button.
While I am not an old crotchety maid yet. After watching this episode I can see how the younger crowd watching might think, "who the fuck is this Dana Carvey?' And maybe, "in what era did parents name their male sons Dana".
I'm pretty sure the first sketch kicked it off with the Church Lady. Talk of the devil in current, popular culture. This would include the Kardashian sisters, Snooki, and Justin Bieber.
The Kardashians were pretty accurate. I am a huge fan of the guy who plays Snooki, ha. Talk of Charlie Sheen, "One and a Half Men and a Whore Monger"- mah.
Here comes Justin Bieber. Way to play ball Justin. There is no way this fetus is familiar with any Carvey material. The Roommate sketch with Andy Sandberg, not total shit. Sandberg always delivers.
More sketches, Dana as Mickey Rooney. Really?
The rest of the show is just not funny. I have to assume the cast likely tried to sway him to be a part of the new, popular sketches. It's like a commission. We don't succeed unless you do! It was obvious he pushed his old characters into the mix.
Where the fuck was Lorne Michaels in all of this. Isn't he supposed to be the quintessential asshole in all of this, putting his foot down, telling that washed up shorty, "I'm doing you a huge solid here, Garth and church lady is all you've got. Let us take it from here." Lorne...
The guy is trying to relive his glory days. I can appreciate that. But, it's been way too long sweetheart. Nobody gives a shit anymore and your old shtick is way outdated.
It really was a travesty of a show, I didn't even bring up the Regis and Kelly skit. Shit show, all around.
Take a cue from your buddy Mike Myers.... Do some animated crap that warrants sequels, make a stupid amount cash, and don't show your face in this town again. Love you!
Friday, February 4, 2011
This is goodbye
My fucking ears are going to explode. My eyeballs feel like they have been dipped in sand. My throat feels like it has been skinned. What am I?, a fucking toddler? Who gets adult ear infections? Pink eye? Well this woman-toddler does. I know head removal is never advised, but I am beginning to consider it, and ready to do it myself. There is no slutty Blache Deveroux Golden Girls shtick to cheer me up. A surprise Designing Women DVD could appear in my bed. A preview of PeeWee Hermans new movie. Shirley Maclaine/ Olympia Dukakis fight. 10 puppies ready to snuggle. Every pain pill in Janice Dickinson's pre-rehab medicine cabinet. No food. No booze. Nothing can help me now. I want to be put down. I would like to pet the puppies real hard before I go. Just make it quick. I leave everything to Connie, the rest of you, well you can get fucked.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)